Messy Mom Brain

      Being a mom is unlike anything else.  It is one thing you will always have for your entire life.  Once you become a mother you will always be a mother.  We all had different things that we did before we were mothers.  Some of us were wives before we were mothers.  However, I know that all of those many hats pale in comparison to the job that is motherhood.  My brain changed the day that I became a mother.  My whole way of thinking and being was shifted when I was put in charge of a tiny human.  A baby that I loved more than I could ever imagine loving anyone.  A little girl whose whole survival relied on me.  A kid that I was charged with guiding through life.  This type of responsibility would be difficult for anyone’s brain.

     There is a show on Netflix called Babies.  It was released in 2020.  The whole show is centered around how babies' brains work during specific milestones.  Eating, Crawling, Speaking, and Sleep are just a few of the things that are studied.  The first episode of this series is called "Love".  This episode focused on the neurological bond between a newborn and the parents.  The aspect that shocked me the most about scanning the brains was what happened to the mom's brain.   When the dad's brain was scanned it went back to normal after about 6 months with a new baby.  When the mom's brain was scanned it never returned to normal.  Even 10 years later the part that was changed in a mother's brain was still changed after 10 years.  They were able to scientifically show what moms have known all along.  Our brains change forever after we have children and we never go back to normal. 

I'm not saying I was normal before I had kids but I know my brain was not broken.  The things that go through your brain as a mom are crazier than before I had kids.  Ideas that have never crossed my mind before are now consuming all my thoughts.  Every danger in the world is instantly filtered into my mom brain and comes out as anxiety or worry.  Suddenly seeing things in this world that could harm this sweet little baby that I am supposed to protect and keep safe.  It is an overwhelming feeling.  Even something mundane like driving a car over a bridge now seems dangerous.  What if I accidentally drive off the bridge and have to get my kids out of the car while it is sinking?  Logically I know that these thoughts are wild.  I know that accidentally driving off a bridge is something that is extremely unlikely.  I also know these wild scenarios did not enter into my brain before my babies were born.  As a result moms forget about dentist appointments but are very capable of remembering where our kids favorite stuffed animals are.

Whether kids came into our life biologically or by other means they all turn our brains to mush.  Their love is exhausting.  Their love is energy draining.  Their love is anxiety inducing.  It is no wonder I can barely remember how old I am most days or when was the last time I took a shower.  All my brain power is being used to care for this amazing tiny ladies.  Making sure that they are clean, fed, clothed, kind, smart, and happy takes every ounce of brain power that I can muster throughout the day.  Once my girls are finally in bed my brain turns off.  Sometimes it is only for an hour or sometimes it is four hours but regardless the time my brain needs to not work.  There is only a short amount of time everyday that my brain is all mine and I like to let it rest.  Despite my broken brain from all these crazy children I am also filled with so much love.  Their love is exhilarating.  Their love is joyful.  Their love is the most rewarding thing that has ever happened in my life.  If a mushy and broken brain is the price I have to pay for loving these girls I would do it a million times over.  I don't need to remember what I had for dinner as long as I remember to love my ladies.  If a fried brain is the price I have to pay to be a mother, it is totally worth it. 

Sick and Messy

     Once my kids started going to school I resigned myself to the fact that we are getting sick.  Kids are gross.  Kids will cough right into your open mouth.  Kids will sneeze right into your open eyeball.  Kids will wipe their runny nose on literally anything.  As soon as one of my kids gets sick it becomes a carousel of sickness in our house.  The sickness keeps going around and around until it has finally hits every family member.  Unfortunately the only family member that doesn't get a sick day is the Mom.  Moms don't get sick days.  Moms don't get days off.  My two year old could care less if I feel like death.  She still needs to be fed.  She still needs to have her diaper changed.  She needs her boo boos kissed and her morning snuggles.  All these things still have to happen whether I feel like it or not.  I could have a migraine so bad that I might actually vomit but I still need to make breakfast for my kids.  I could be losing my voice from post nasal drip but I still have to yell to get my kids to the bus on time.  I could be coughing to the point of being dizzy but I still have to change my toddlers clothes after the decided to play in the bathroom sink.  Mom's don't get days or rest only small moments within those days of sick.

     Feeding these people takes most of my energy especially while I am sick.  I still need to make sure these kids are staying alive even when I feel like I'm dying.  This task does not have to be fancy.  They don't need pancakes made from scratch for breakfast, they just need food. Who decided that chips can't be breakfast?  Who decided that three packages of fruit snacks wasn't an appropriate dinner?  Who decided that a bag of popcorn doesn't qualify as lunch?  These rules were forced upon us and in a state of sickness can be tossed out the window.  It doesn't mean that you should allow fruit snacks for every dinner but it is also not going to kill them.  When all your energy is funneled into getting well the energy has to come from somewhere else. Feeding my children three meals a day plus additional snacks requires a tremendous amount of energy.  Choosing the path of least resistance is a great way to relax and survive.

      As a mom it is hard to rest while you see the world you've made burning down around you.  Logically I know that I have to sit on this couch to get better.  Logically I know that I need to relax so I can take care of my family better.  Logically I know the quicker I heal the quicker I can get back to doing my mom job.  However, it is still hard not to get disappointed when you are sitting while things literally pile up like dishes and laundry.  During my current sickness my two year old has taken it upon herself to become more independent.  One part of me wants to celebrate her new found independence and one part of me wants to hide while she destroys everything.  

      Everyone else gets days off.  Dad's take a day off work and relax and nap.  Kids take a day off school to refresh and feel better.  Nothing piles up during those days that are taken.  The world continues moving like a well oiled machine.  They complete their rest and head back to work or school without missing much.  Moms don't have the same luxury.  Our moments of rest cause a massive pile up in the everyday workings of the house.  When a mom gets sick she comes back to a year's worth of laundry.  When a mom gets sick she comes back to a house that looks like it has been robbed.  When a mom gets sick she comes back to a pantry and fridge that have been ransacked by tiny raccoons.  Everything can be fixed later so it's important to take the time to rest and heal.  When you are at your best you can do the best for your family.  No illness will last forever so take your time to feel better.  It will help you be the best mom you can be.   

Messy Mom Friends

     I have some amazing mom friends. They get me.  They are some of the only people on earth that understand when I tell them my children are jerk faces.  My kids are jerk faces but I also love them so intensely that they are perfect.  They understand the struggle of wanting to kill someone and die for them at the same time. Metaphorically speaking, obviously.  We can talk about being overwhelmed and all the pressures that moms go through.  We can talk about problems with our kids, our husbands, and our families.  We cry, laugh, and scream together over a multitude of things that are happening in our lives.  These amazing people don't care if my house is a mess because they get it.  These beautiful mommas don't care if I haven't showered in four days because they get it.  These strong women don't care if my kids and I are still in my pajamas at three in the afternoon because they get it.  Finding moms friends like these are necessary for my to survival on this parenting road.

     Vulnerability with people is a gift that I have always had.  It was inherited from my mom.  I have always had one of those faces where complete strangers would tell me very intimate things without even realizing it.  When I was younger I thought that everyone spoke in this way.  It wasn't until after I had kids that I realized that this was actually an incredible gift.  I had so many mom friends that were scared to share anything about themselves.  I had so many friends raising kids that were nervous to disclose information about their parenting.  I had so many mommas I knew that were intimidated to give any details about their lives.  My mom friends did not feel that way about me.  Most of these feelings were a result of anxiety from previous judgments.  From the time that tiny baby is put into our arms we are bombarded with things we should and should not do as moms.  We are told the right way and the wrong to be a good mom.  Luckily the people that understand this the most are my mom friends that are living some version of this life right along with me.

      My husband is my best friend but sometimes he doesn't understand what moms go through on a daily basis.  If I take all three of my girls to the grocery store it is always chaos.  More often then I would like to admit I get judgment from other store patrons.  Usually it is because my two year old is standing in the cart, or my nine year old is playing with toys, or my six year old is eating something before we have paid for it.  My mom friends have similar experiences in their own lives so they understand my frustrations and I understand theirs.  However, when my husband takes all three girls to the store he receives praise and compliments from the store patrons.  Usually things are said like "You are a blessed man." or "You’re doing a great job."  or  "What a great daddy."  We are experiencing this parenting thing differently so my mom friends are a huge part of my life because of our shared experiences in this community.

     I love all my mom friends.  I am so blessed to have them in my life.  I am so blessed to have them in my kids lives. I appreciate every mom friend that I have made along this motherhood journey.  Our kids are growing up together and so are we.  Good mom friends understand  that none of us have this mom thing figured out.   Good mom friends understand that we are all doing the best we can.  Good mom friends understand that the most important thing is to love our kids fiercely.  Sometimes a day spent with my mom friends is better than therapy.  Washing my brain while talking to my friends and getting out all my frustrations and worries is essential.  Going through this mom journey is extremely difficult and rewarding all at the same time.  Finding other moms that understand that is one of the best things about this road we are all on.  Come over anytime for coffee or wine or both.  Expect my house, my kids, and myself to be messy but we will have the best time.  

There is Always Enough Messy

      Being raised in a world with a scarcity mentality created the same mindset in me.  There is not enough to go around.  There are not enough hours in the day.  There will never be enough love for everyone.  It took me thirty some years to realize that it was the wrong way to approach things.  There is always enough.  There is plenty of time.  There is enough love for everyone.  I have concluded that I don't need to be in competition with others for resources because there is enough for all of us.  Having fears of scarcity was lending me to creating a "dog eat dog" world.  This internal competition only helps to tear people down and not build them up.  Over the last year I have grown even more in my awareness that there is enough for everyone and we can all build each other up.

     My grandparents were kids during the great depression.  This naturally had a great impact on their lives and our lives as a result.  I remember going out to eat with my grandpa and he would pay us a quarter if we ate all the food on our plate.   Now I know that you don't have to eat everything on your plate.  You can get a box to go too.  However, as a kid I was always told about starving kids in Ethiopia, which wired me to think that someday there might not be enough food for me.  If I failed to finish my food I was wasteful and disrespectful to others that didn't have enough.  I needed to eat all of it now because it might not be available tomorrow.  We do not have the same eating rules for our girls.  Sometimes I don't even need to make my own lunch because I can just eat want my kids left on their plates.  They will eat when they are hungry and I don't need to guilt them into it. 

     I have been a singer and performer since I was very young.  Every time I had an audition instead of building each other up it became an extreme competition.  People auditioning were constantly undercutting each other by hurting feelings.  Even though judging was very subjective, all I knew was that if someone else got the part I didn’t.  As a result of this mindset there was so much wasted energy that I regret now.  Now that I'm older I understand it was a horrible outlook.  I should have known that even if I didn't get that specific role there would always be another role or another solo that would come up soon.  Most of the parts I did get were not celebrated by my peers because of the same scarcity thoughts.  If we all could have celebrated each other's successes instead of mourning for not getting the role for ourselves it would have been a much more enjoyable experience  all around.  I am trying to teach my girls that there is always enough to go around.  I want my ladies to feel comfortable celebrating others' victories because their time will come and they will want people to celebrate with them.  

     When I started to write this blog I was told there are too many blogs.  I was told it wasn't going to go anywhere because there were too many of the same thing out there.  I was told nobody would read it because it's all been written before.  Much to my surprise all those sentiments were extremely wrong.  I found an amazing community of parents that have been extremely supportive.  The social media world wasn't a cut throat world.  Sure there were probably some people who felt that way but that was not the community that I was welcomed into.  Social media has been an extremely uplifting and sharing world that I didn't expect.  Total strangers were inspired by my silly stories.  People I had never met started sharing my musings with their friends.  Along the way these strangers became friends.  These parenting communities have been so warmly welcoming.  We have bonded over loving our children fiercely while losing our minds in the process.  This solitary creates camaraderie and not competition and I'm extremely thankful for that.