Messy Confidence

     

      Confidence is an extremely strange thing to be have in abundance.  I was born with an extra amount of confidence.  I never thought it was weird.  I thought everyone loved themselves as much as I loved myself.  It really wasn't until I was in middle school and high school that I noticed my peers struggling with insecurities.  I remember saying things like "That's weird.  Don't you know you're awesome."  or "Why did that person's words make you feel bad?  Their opinions obviously don't matter."  Now that I am an adult I fully understand how strangely my brain is wired.  However, as a result of my new insights I am hoping that my confidence gene is something that all three of my girls will possess.

    I'm pretty sure my mom was a big part in making my self confidence gene super powered.  Even as a teenager I remember my mom always reformatting my thinking about certain situations.  When a boyfriend would dump me I would initially come home upset.  Immediately I would tell my mom about the situation.  She would say things like "Oh no I feel so bad for him?"  By the end of the conversation we were both feeling bad for the guy that dumped me because he was going to miss out on all of my amazing things.  I love that my mom was able to present this aspect of the world to me.  Later I realized that in her thought process she was just being honest.  She really did feel bad for all the boys that stupidly dumped me.  In her amazing mom brain every boy or friend that didn't want to hang out with me was missing out on the best thing ever.  Secretly I feel the same way about my little ladies so I am hoping that I can impart the same wisdom upon them.  I cannot understand why someone wouldn't want to play with my girls because they are the coolest kids in the world.  I feel bad for all the kids that miss out on playing with my little ladies. 

     My eight year old and I were shopping for a picture day outfit the other day.  As we were shopping, I looked at my girl and said "You look really cute today."  She said "Yeah I know."  A woman that overheard us mumbled under her breath "That's not very humble."  That was hard for me to hear.  I love her confidence.  I love that she feels comfortable in her own skin and knows when she looks good.  People who have problems with others' confidence usually have problems with their own.  I am not going to tell my kids to be humble.  I am not going to tell my girls to take it down a notch.  I am not going to tell my ladies that they are not as cool as they think they are.  The world we live in is going to do all those things so that is not what I am going to do.  

     As a mom of three girls I am abundantly aware of what they are going to face growing up.  The media is going to tell them what they are supposed to look like.  Society is going to tell them how they are supposed to act.  People are going to constantly tell them that they are not good enough.  So I am not going to tell them any of those things.  I will teach them how to say "Thank you." for a compliment and make sure to notice the beauty in others as well.  However, I need them to be built up in our house so they can survive in this world.  Pointing out their amazing attributes is going to be something that they can think back on when something or someone takes the wind out of their sails.  Additionally I'm not lying because my kids are literally the best kids I've ever known.  My job as a mom is to help them see all the amazing things that I see and celebrate it with them.  I don't know if confidence is nature or nurture or both but I plan to boost every ounce of confidence my girls possess.  Hopefully this will help them survive in this critical world that we are all living in.             

Working Mess

     

      I have not had a job in nine years.  Let me rephrase that I haven't had a paycheck in nine years.  I started a part time job this week.  It is only teaching voice lessons at night but it is a good opportunity for something more when all my girls are in school.  I have three more years and then all my independent women will be in school at the same time.  This amazing opportunity presented itself and my husband and I agreed that I should take.  I love singing and I love teaching these students to love it too but I miss my girls.  It is hard to switch gears and I feel like I am missing out.  I already miss them when they are at school and love to hear about their crazy days when they get home.  However, with my new job there are three days a week that I don't get to hear about their school adventures.

    Our family is obsessed with family dinners.  Even when my girls were itty bitty my husband would come home and we would all have great conversations during family dinners.  Sometimes it was a home cooked and sometimes it was pizza.  The meal doesn't matter but the conversation and the company does.  It is the one time of day that I get a captive audience.  I can ask any question I want without distraction of toys or electronics.  My 8 year old doesn't love to tell me about her day but I am always able to glean some information during dinner.  My 6 year old tries to tell me every single thing that has happened in the time that she is away from me and dinner is the time she can listen to others stories.  I have missed family dinners three nights in a row because of my new job.  Instead of sitting down with my sweet girls and hearing about their day I pack a lunch and eat it out of lunch box as I drive home.  I hate it but I know I will catch up with my girls on the weekend.

      The reason I became a stay at home mom was more financial than emotional.  My husband and I did the math and I was only taking home $150 a month after the cost of day care.  At the time I sternly told my husband that it wasn't worth it and I was going to stay home with our baby.  Nine years of clipping coupons with the addition of two more beautiful girls and here I am going back to work.  However, it is finally work that I actually want to do.  I love teaching music.  I love spreading my joy of learning how to sing.  I love singing anytime I am able to.  We are clearly not living the "Daddy Warbucks" life from this new part time job.  I was offered an opportunity to teach at a studio and I took it.  After this week of working I now know that it is extremely rewarding and heartbreaking to be a working mom.  I kind of knew that already but now I have first hand experience.

     I love my girls and my husband more than anything else in the entire world.  Every moment that I am away from my people is not ideal.  However, I love singing and teaching singing.  Having your feet in two worlds is a difficult balancing act.  Missing out on stories from my girls during family dinner is a price that I am currently paying.  Tonight my husband got me flowers and my girls made me a sign that said "Congratulations on your first week of work.  We love you Momma."  Having that kind of love and support is awesome.  It makes me remember that I literally have the best family in the world.  However, it also makes me remember all the beautiful things I have to miss.  I asked my 8 year old if she is happy that mom is going to work.  She assertively said "No."  I know that this is the best thing for me and family.  I know that this is an adjustment for all of us.  I know that this momma working will get easier.  Even though it may be hard for them it is good for my girls to see their momma as a person.  I want them to see that I am more than just a Mom and that they can be all things too.  At the end of the day it is a great opportunity and with love and support from this amazing crew I know I can do anything.  However, there is going to be a lot more talking on the weekends.               

One Big Messy Family

     Last weekend we had our annual family reunion.  We missed the year 2020 because of COVID but as a family we have been getting together for over 10 years.  My mom has three sisters.  As a mom of three girls I now know that my Grandma Stewart must have been a saint after raising four strong and independent women.  When my mom and her sisters get together it is non-stop gabbing and fun.  Getting to see all my aunts, uncles, cousins, spouses, and their kids is so awesome.  It is so awesome to take one weekend out of the year and reconnect with people who have known me my whole life.  

       I have six first cousins on my mom's side of the family.  Most of them have kids so in total we have 37 people every year at this family party.  14 kids can be found running around all weekend ranging in ages from two months to 14 years old.  My girls love it.  Even though these are cousins they only see about once a year they always pick up right where they left off.  There is giggling, running, and sugar.  There is so much sugar.  When you invite all the grandkids and all the grandmas to one party there will be more sugar than you could even imagine.  My mom is the youngest of all her sisters.  She had to wait the longest to become a grandma and was not patient about it at all.  At this party all the grandmas give all the grandkids anything they want.  They don't discriminate among grandkids, they spoil them all equally as a collective unit.

     My aunts live in different places.  Two of them live in northern Indiana, one lives in Ohio, and my mom lives in the Indianapolis area.  Every year we rotate between all their houses for hosting duties.  It is on a four year rotation with my mom up next.  My mom has been planning her party for four years.  She comes up with ideas and changes her mind but she is thinking about this event for four solid years.  I love traveling to see my family especially since the longest drive is only five hours.  Most of my cousins live near their mothers so we also get to see their homes in the process of going to Stewart Family Christmas.  The hardest part of the travel is trying to bring home all the loot my kids get from their amazing great aunts.  

      We also have a competition every year.  It is a wrapping contest.  Basically it is an elaborate way to conceal a gift for the person whose name you picked.  This contest gets crazy.  Just to give you an example of how presents were wrapped this year we had a life sized dog in a garden, two golf courses with golf carts,  a 3 foot wine bottle, a retro television,  and a massage table big enough for an American girl doll.  The family votes and whoever wins gets a prize.  However, more importantly they get bragging rights until next year when presents are wrapped again in crazy ways to demonstrate our creativity.  I actually won the "good try" award.  Since this was the first year I have ever won anything in the wrapping contest I will take it.       

      Stewart Family Christmas is one of my favorite annual events.  Even though everyone with the last name of Stewart is no long with us we are still carrying on the strong family dynamic that they established years ago.  People have been added and people have left and the event still continues.  This party is way bigger than just one person.  I love to share all the people that have known me my whole life with my girls.  I love to increase the village of people who love them.  I love to see all my family dote on my girls and pour into them just as they have poured into me for all the years I've been alive.  It is an exhausting and fulfilling weekend that I hope it will continue for many years to come.  I am confident Stewart Family Christmas will turn into a cherished tradition for my girls too and that is worth every second of lost sleep from last weekend.

The Messiest Six Years of My Life

 

     On August 4th my second baby girl turned six years old.  From pregnancy to present she has always been my wildest and most exhausting child.  I have never required a lot of sleep to function which has always served me well for motherhood.  However, when my tiny little redhead was born even I was pushed to my limits.  Just like her mother she does not require a lot of sleep and her high metabolic rate keeps her constantly on the go.  Therefore this momma has to be on the go for the last six years to make sure that she stays alive.  She still pushes me to my limits in every way and as a Momma I have learned to adapt on a dime because of my spunky freckled faced six year old.  

     We became pregnant with our first child extremely easily so when we struggled with infertility for our second little lady we were totally taken off guard.  Conceiving a sibling was a job for almost two years of our lives. Once we finally got pregnant she continued to test her momma.  I was the sickest I have ever been for the first 16 weeks.  Candy canes and mozzarella sticks were the only things I could stomach and the smell of cooking food always made me hurl.  For Christmas that year I actually had to wear a gas mask in my in-laws house to stop from throwing up while Christmas dinner was being prepared.  The pregnancy problems continued when I was diagnosed with extreme gestational diabetes which required shots of insulin four times a day by the time we got to the last month.  Also in the last month I was put on "limited mobility".  All moms understand the enormity of this task since I was still raising an almost three year old at the same time.  Despite all the trials of conception and pregnancy I still had no idea the challenges she would create once she was out of my body.

     When our sweet little redhead was five months we took our first of many trips to the emergency room.  Every mom who has a kid with a specific illness knows they become an expert on that illness.  Stidor is a complication from a virus commonly referred to as croup.  Stidor constricts the airway so that in the middle of night the child struggles to catch their breath.  Every two weeks from October to March I was in the ER with my sweet girl until the wee hours of the morning.  All the doctors ran all the tests to try and figure out why this was happening to her.  Right before her first birthday she had a massive amount of blood work done and everything was normal.  The next step was a bronchial scope right before her second birthday at the children's hospital.  We did discover that she has an allergic reaction to anesthesia which caused her to stop breathing during the procedure but no resolution to the stridor situation.  Last year was the first year we didn't have to go to the ER for stidor.  Everyone is hoping that she has grown out of it but only time will tell.  Even if she has grown out of that issue she has found other ways to keep us on our toes.

     In the beginning of 2020 my middle kid was borderline OCD.  After the lockdown we had to start seeing a psychologist who told us that she now has Anxiety Control Disorder.  She has worked really hard to overcome a lot of her anxieties and I am amazed every day by her perseverance and strength.  The main thing that I cherish about my newly turned 6 year old is that she has taught me more than she will ever know.  I never knew the amount of things that I was capable of as a mother until she came into our lives.  I never knew the amount of out of things out of my control that I would be able to juggle while tending to her needs.  I never knew the amount of things I would learn just to make sure that she was taken care of in the best way possible.  If you had told me I would be able to do all these things I would have thought you were crazy.  However, I am living proof that our most challenging children will push us to places we never thought possible.  Our immense love for them transforms us into people we don't even recognize and that is a beautiful thing.