On Sunday January 31, 2021 my last baby will turn two years old. This is extremely bittersweet. I spent all weekend packing up all our baby clothes to give to a local charity. No more baby smells, no more baby sighs, no more baby snuggles, and no more drunk baby naps. My husband and I have had 3 babies and all three turned out to be the same flavor. Once we realized that we apparently can only make girls we decided to get my husband fixed. I also think that a fourth girl might kill him and I need his help raising the ones we have already made. As our littlest lady toddles into her 2nd birthday we are looking forward to the next new chapter of our lives but I am also grieving the loss of no more babies.
It took me two days to pack up all the baby clothes that we own. You can imagine that with 3 girls there would be a lot of clothes. However, I had no idea that it would be 30 diaper boxes full. As I painstakingly sorted through all tiny clothes I started to get a pit in my stomach. No more of my babies would wear these itty bitty clothes that had been gifted or bought so specifically for my baby girls. Obviously there were some items I had to pull out to save. My mother spent months trying to pick out the perfect coming home outfits for each of my girls. Those outfits were so unique and special that I must save them. My mother-in-law gave us one of her dresses from when she was a baby which was another special item I need to hang on to for future generations.
About a month ago we used our last little bit of baby shampoo. Again I felt the stomach pit creep up on me as I threw the bottle in the recycling bin. My husband said to buy the regular kid stuff next time. He has always been in charge of baby bath time. He loved cleaning all of the folds of our little chubby lasses. The purple baby shampoo had a particular baby smell that would linger. For a short time after bath night our almost 2 year old would smell like she did as a tiny newborn. That smell is now gone from our house. The amount of mess and stinky that our toddler currently gets into can no longer be washed away with simple baby shampoo. She needs something that fights grim much better. I will just have to get that baby smell from other people's babies now.
None of my girls have been good sleepers. I loved the feeling when they would just melt into me and fall asleep as babies. After I would finish a feeding they would drunkenly pass out in my arms. Every time it would lower my blood pressure just to see those sweet little faces snoring in my arms. The perfect protected contentment that they were feeling was such peace for me. Now any kind of sleeping is a challenge. The word nap has to be spelled to make sure they don't know what is coming. Bedtime is delayed for every reason under the sun. The only time that my girls fall asleep accidentally now is in the car seat. The car seems to soothe them just like my arms used to when they were babies. When I look in the back seat and see them passed out the stomach pit returns. I long for the days that I was their comfort and could hold their floppy babies bodies. No longer will my babies be found dozing in my arms.
Logically I know that I can't keep having babies forever. Logically I know that more kids would drive me even more crazy. Logically I know there needs to be an end to this part of our lives. However, I am still allowed to grieve the loss of the baby stage while looking forward to the next chapter. There are so many things that I am excited about for the future. I am looking forward to fewer car seats because switching them between cars is a pain. I am looking forward to no more strollers because they are heavy and cumbersome. I am looking forward to no more diaper bags which means having a purse that only has my stuff in it again. I will miss all the wonderful things about having a baby but I am excited about all the new future experiences with our complete family of 5.
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