1. Everything you thought has now become wrong. Up is down. Right is wrong. Left is right. If you think a clear solution can be found to a toddler problem you will be proven wrong in every instance. They will insist you do things that defies all natural laws. Such as uncuting things that have already been cut, uncooking things that have already been cooked, and uneating things that have already been eaten.
2. Fulfilling a request from the toddler will usually be the wrong action. For example a toddler will say "I want cheese." After getting cheese the toddler will proceed to fake fall on the floor and start crying. Clearly they did not want the cheese they had previously requested so earnestly for a lengthy amount of time. The audacity of the parent trying to get cheese for the toddler is even more of an insult to them personally. Sometimes the offense is putting on the shoes they asked for. Sometimes the transgression is opening the door so that they can go outside only to discover that they wanted to go outside without opening the door.
3. Running shoes and athletic gear are required when training a toddler. Why do you think moms are always wearing workout wear? Your cardiovascular workout everyday will consist of chasing the toddler around the house. Sometimes physical excretion happens after the simple command of "Come here." Other sprints will occur after inquiring "What do you have?" Whatever the trigger statement the toddler will attempt an escape as fast as they are able and you will have to chase them. The chase will end in wrestling the non permitted item from the toddler. Usually the item will be in their mouth but sometimes be clenched in their tight little fist.
4. Toddlers will insist on carrying everything themselves. Toddlers have not mastered the skills to carry anything. Even their own chubby bodies will fall under the weight of their unstable little legs. Which means they will cry every time they spill the things they insist on carrying. Unfortunately as a parent we cannot unspill the things that have already been spilled. Cleaning up the spill is also offensive to the toddler.
5. WWE skills must be learned in order to change toddler diapers or clothing. Toddlers are incapable of sitting still under any circumstance. This is most apparent when attempting to change the non-potty trained toddler. Acquiring skills like body slamming and pin downs must be mastered to change or dress your toddler. If you are a Dad you should probably also wear a cup for protection because your nuts will be kicked.
6. Baby Shark must be played as soon as the toddler requests it. If any toddler approaches you and yells "DO DO" you can be sure that the yelling will continue until one or all of your devices is playing some version of Baby Shark. Finger family and dinosaur stomp is also subject to the same demands.
7. Food is the toddler version of gambling. Sometimes they will love dinner and eat every bit with a utensil and a napkin. Other times they will immediately throw their plate on the floor because you decided to serve them a disgusting piece of crap. Side note these two experiences could happen with the exact same food.
8. The toddler's kryptonite is Candy. Don't say the word. Don't show them any candy. If you feel the desire to eat candy you must go into a soundproof room where the wrapper cannot be heard. Otherwise the torment that is to follow will be worst than any interrogation torture method ever recorded.
9. Toddlers will find great joy in feeding you. Even if that lovely morsel they are giving you has already been partially eaten. If you value your health DO NOT eat anything that a toddler has had any contact with. Sometimes if the toddler doesn't have food to force feed you they will put their tiny fingers in your mouth. The toddler will also love to stick those fingers into any other hole that they can see. Eyes, Nose, Belly Button, they are not discriminating.
10. The toddler will give you more joy than you have ever known. The toddler will kiss you every morning and hug you all day long. They will give you the cutest smile that will melt your heart every time. The toddler will say "I love you!" with the sweetest baby voice you have ever heard. The most melodic tone of voice will come from the toddler mouth while singing along to Baby Shark and excitedly doing all the motions. The toddler's loud giggles will echo throughout the whole house as they try to run away at top toddler speed. Accidental naps will occur as the toddler falls asleep on your chest after a big day of toddler trouble and your heart will be full.
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