Last Baby Mess

      On Sunday January 31, 2021 my last baby will turn two years old.  This is extremely bittersweet.  I spent all weekend packing up all our baby clothes to give to a local charity.  No more baby smells, no more baby sighs, no more baby snuggles, and no more drunk baby naps.  My husband and I have had 3 babies and all three turned out to be the same flavor.  Once we realized that we apparently can only make girls we decided to get my husband fixed.  I also think that a fourth girl might kill him and I need his help raising the ones we have already made.  As our littlest lady toddles into her 2nd birthday we are looking forward to the next new chapter of our lives but I am also grieving the loss of no more babies. 

     It took me two days to pack up all the baby clothes that we own.  You can imagine that with 3 girls there would be a lot of clothes.  However,  I had no idea that it would be 30 diaper boxes full.  As I painstakingly sorted through all tiny clothes I started to get a pit in my stomach.  No more of my babies would wear these itty bitty clothes that had been gifted or bought so specifically for my baby girls.  Obviously there were some items I had to pull out to save.  My mother spent months trying to pick out the perfect coming home outfits for each of my girls.  Those outfits were so unique and special that I must save them.  My mother-in-law gave us one of her dresses from when she was a baby which was another special item I need to hang on to for future generations.  

     About a month ago we used our last little bit of baby shampoo.  Again I felt the stomach pit creep up on me as I threw the bottle in the recycling bin.  My husband said to buy the regular kid stuff next time.  He has always been in charge of baby bath time.  He loved cleaning all of the folds of our little chubby lasses.  The purple baby shampoo had a particular baby smell that would linger.  For a short time after bath night our almost 2 year old would smell like she did as a tiny newborn.  That smell is now gone from our house.  The amount of mess and stinky that our toddler currently gets into can no longer be washed away with simple baby shampoo.  She needs something that fights grim much better.  I will just have to get that baby smell from other people's babies now.

     None of my girls have been good sleepers.  I loved the feeling when they would just melt into me and fall asleep as babies.  After I would finish a feeding they would drunkenly pass out in my arms.  Every time it would lower my blood pressure just to see those sweet little faces snoring in my arms.  The perfect protected contentment that they were feeling was such peace for me.  Now any kind of sleeping is a challenge.  The word nap has to be spelled to make sure they don't know what is coming.  Bedtime is delayed for every reason under the sun.  The only time that my girls fall asleep accidentally now is in the car seat.  The car seems to soothe them just like my arms used to when they were babies.  When I look in the back seat and see them passed out the stomach pit returns.  I long for the days that I was their comfort and could hold their floppy babies bodies.  No longer will my babies be found dozing in my arms.

     Logically I know that I can't keep having babies forever.  Logically I know that more kids would drive me even more crazy.  Logically I know there needs to be an end to this part of our lives.  However, I am still allowed to grieve the loss of the baby stage while looking forward to the next chapter.  There are so many things that I am excited about for the future.  I am looking forward to fewer car seats because switching them between cars is a pain.  I am looking forward to no more strollers because they are heavy and cumbersome.  I am looking forward to no more diaper bags which means having a purse that only has my stuff in it again.  I will miss all the wonderful things about having a baby but I am excited about all the new future experiences with our complete family of 5.     

10 Tips to Train a Messy Toddler

1.   Everything you thought has now become wrong.  Up is down.  Right is wrong.  Left is right.  If you think a clear solution can be found to a toddler problem you will be proven wrong in every instance.  They will insist you do things that defies all natural laws.  Such as uncuting things that have already been cut, uncooking things that have already been cooked, and uneating things that have already been eaten.

2.  Fulfilling a request from the toddler will usually be the wrong action.  For example a toddler will say "I want cheese."  After getting cheese the toddler will proceed to fake fall on the floor and start crying.  Clearly they did not want the cheese they had previously requested so earnestly for a lengthy amount of time.  The audacity of the parent trying to get cheese for the toddler is even more of an insult to them personally.  Sometimes the offense is putting on the shoes they asked for.  Sometimes the transgression is opening the door so that they can go outside only to discover that they wanted to go outside without opening the door.    

3.  Running shoes and athletic gear are required when training a toddler.  Why do you think moms are always wearing workout wear?  Your cardiovascular workout everyday will consist of chasing the toddler around the house.  Sometimes physical excretion happens after the simple command of "Come here."  Other sprints will occur after inquiring "What do you have?"  Whatever the trigger statement the toddler will attempt an escape as fast as they are able and you will have to chase them. The chase will end in wrestling the non permitted item from the toddler.  Usually the item will be in their mouth but sometimes be clenched in their tight little fist. 

4.  Toddlers will insist on carrying everything themselves.  Toddlers have not mastered the skills to carry anything.  Even their own chubby bodies will fall under the weight of their unstable little legs.  Which means they will cry every time they spill the things they insist on carrying.  Unfortunately as a parent we cannot unspill the things that have already been spilled.  Cleaning up the spill is also offensive to the toddler.

5.  WWE skills must be learned in order to change toddler diapers or clothing.  Toddlers are incapable of sitting still under any circumstance.  This is most apparent when attempting to change the non-potty trained toddler.  Acquiring skills like body slamming and pin downs must be mastered to change or dress your toddler.  If you are a Dad you should probably also wear a cup for protection because your nuts will be kicked. 

6.  Baby Shark must be played as soon as the toddler requests it.  If any toddler approaches you and yells "DO DO" you can be sure that the yelling will continue until one or all of your devices is playing some version of Baby Shark.  Finger family and dinosaur stomp is also subject to the same demands.  

7.   Food is the toddler version of gambling.  Sometimes they will love dinner and eat every bit with a utensil and a napkin.  Other times they will immediately throw their plate on the floor because you decided to serve them a disgusting piece of crap.  Side note these two experiences could happen with the exact same food.

8.  The toddler's kryptonite is Candy.  Don't say the word.  Don't show them any candy.  If you feel the desire to eat candy you must go into a soundproof room where the wrapper cannot be heard.  Otherwise the torment that is to follow will be worst than any interrogation torture method ever recorded.

9.  Toddlers will find great joy in feeding you.  Even if that lovely morsel they are giving you has already been partially eaten.  If you value your health DO NOT eat anything that a toddler has had any contact with.  Sometimes if the toddler doesn't have food to force feed you they will put their tiny fingers in your mouth.  The toddler will also love to stick those fingers into any other hole that they can see.  Eyes, Nose, Belly Button, they are not discriminating.

10.  The toddler will give you more joy than you have ever known.  The toddler will kiss you every morning and hug you all day long.  They will give you the cutest smile that will melt your heart every time.  The toddler will say "I love you!" with the sweetest baby voice you have ever heard.  The most melodic tone of voice will come from the toddler mouth while singing along to Baby Shark and excitedly doing all the motions.  The toddler's loud giggles will echo throughout the whole house as they try to run away at top toddler speed.  Accidental naps will occur as the toddler falls asleep on your chest after a big day of toddler trouble and your heart will be full.  

Messy MLK

        Most people probably have a favorite Martin Luther King Junior quote.  If you don't you should find one.  Mine is "Take the first step in faith.  You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step."  I have always loved the imagery of these words.  Walking down an invisible staircase is sometimes what raising children feels like.  We never know where we are going but we have faith that we will get there.  Sometimes it feels like the next step is invisible because we can't see it.  Being a parent takes a lot of faith.  Google dictionary defines faith as  "Complete trust or confidence in someone or something else."  A lot of people think of faith when speaking in religious context.  However, I would like to look at the faith I have in my children.  My faith is tested everyday with my kids.  When it comes down to it I have to put a lot of trust in my little ladies.

     My oldest was a flower girl in a wedding for her first birthday and my husband and I worked for months to try to get her to walk on her own. By the time the big day came she still needed my husband to hold her hand and keep her steady down the aisle.  She finally took her first steps a month later at 13 months.  I could work with them and practice like in the case of my oldest but I trusted that she would be able to do it for herself when she is ready.  She had to have the faith to trust her tiny legs and take those first steps.  I had to trust that she would get the courage to walk without needing a hand.

    When you are in the world of potty training it is hard to believe there will ever be a time when you are not cleaning up more poop panties.  As George Michael said "You just gotta have faith."  Every potty training comes with its own challenges and in the end you have to have faith that your kids will figure it out.  I trust that they will not always be running to the bathroom at the last minute and getting a little poop in their pants.  Even if I feel like we have gone backwards on the invisible staircase I have faith that their next step will take us to where we need to go.  Faith during potty training was the hardest thing for me but I trusted that my kids would make it through.  I had faith that they were not going to be 16 and still pooping in their pants.  

     The first time I put my oldest on the bus for kindergarten I thought I was fine.  As the bus drove out of sight my face got hot and I started sobbing.  I wasn't crying because she was gone for the day.  Secretly that was a bit of relief.  The hot tears were from a lack of faith and so many questions spinning through my head.  Is she going to be good and kind at school?  What happens if someone makes fun of her or calls her names?  WHO WILL HUG HER IF SHE STARTS CRYING?  All these questions and million more spun through my brain.  In the end I knew that I had to have faith.  I had to trust that she would learn to navigate this new chapter of her life. I could not be there for every minute but I could trust in her and support her when she got home.  Faith doesn't mean I stop caring, it just means I have peace about the current situation. Eventually the trusting part of my brain took over and my tears dried up.  

     Faith in my kids is something I have to remind myself constantly.  How can I have faith in someone who can't even remember where they took their shoes off last night?   I need to trust that they need to learn to do things for themselves.  Cleaning, cooking, laundry, homework, etc.. are all things that I am learning to trust them with.  If I don't trust them doing something small like cleaning their room how am I going to trust them when doing something that is bigger.  Teenage trust is going to be much more difficult if I don't have faith in them when they are small.  When my girls start driving and going places without me I am going to have to trust that they are making good decisions.  Everyday I will try my best to have the faith to walk down that parenting staircase even if I still can't see the next step.

Emotional Mess

      

     Children don't come with a rule book.  We do not leave the hospital with a manual or even guidelines on how to parent each child.  The professional nurses don't even wish you "Good Luck".  They put a tiny human that is hours old into a car seat and send you on your way.  After having 3 girls I have realized that they all must be parented differently. My 3 girls were all made the same way, by the same people.  However, they all turned out extremely different.  They have extremely different emotions about the same situations.  Parenting styles that worked with my oldest have no effect on my youngest and just make my middle child more upset.  All my little ladies are strong willed but in their own way.  Learning to be the best mom to all of them separately is emotional and physically exhausting.  

      Currently we are going through the beginning of puberty with my oldest.  She is only 8 but we have a family history of early pubescence.  She has always been an inside emotional kid.  She is a clone of her father in that regard.  Often when something turns her life upside down she will get upset about something completely different.  For example Audery will start crying because she can't find a certain color of maker when she is actually upset about something her friends said to her at school.  Navigating her emotional mind is extremely foreign to me.  I work hard every day to figure out the puzzle of her actual emotions.  Someday she will hopefully be more self aware and we can navigate easier.  Until that day I will continue to use my detective work and guess wrong a million times.  

      My middle child is exactly the opposite.  We don't need to discover her emotions because she will scream them at our faces.  Agatha is constantly working on dealing with her intense emotional swings.  Hopefully her therapist can help us both navigate through with little emotional scaring.  Her feelings manifest in loud out burst or sometimes rage moments instead of internal reflection.  My sensibilities are more like Aggie but it is still a challenge to figure out how to help her navigate these extreme feelings.  All of her feelings, even hunger,  are too big for her tiny body.  It has taken me 37 years for me to figure out my own feelings and sometimes my emotions still over take my rational brain.  This will probably help me to advise Agatha but she still has to do the processing herself.  Also my advice might be wrong sometimes but I am going to try my best.  We will learn to maneuver these intense emotions together. 

   My youngest is too young to tell how her emotions will play out.  One thing is certain it will be different because it will be unique to Edna.  We will have to figure out the puzzle with her just as we do with her sisters.  That is not a bad thing, it is just a fact of life.  Eddie currently finds intense joy from destruction and I am sure that is a trait that she will continue.  Part of her toddler personality is the glee she gets from things being destroyed.   We have yet to determine if her joy is from the pain she is inflicting on other people or just the act of destruction itself.  I am hoping the joy is from destruction not pain.  As we continue to grow with Edna we will learn more about her emotions and motivations behind them.  I will say the wrong thing that will make her sad.  I will do the wrong thing that will make her embarrassed.  I will not do or say anything and that will make her angry.  All she needs to know is that I am going to keep trying.

    Learning my girls emotional states has an extremely steep learning curve.  Emotions are different for every person.  I am working everyday on the best way to handle their different emotional swings.  Also they are working everyday on how to emotionally interact with each other.  We will all keep trying our best with each other.  I am confident that all three of my sassy lassies will learn to handle their emotions.  We will get mad at each other but we will love through it.  Every time I interpret an emotion wrong with my girls I will use it as a learning opportunity for all of us.  They will learn that momma is not perfect and that she will try and do her best in the future because that this how much I love them.  I love them enough to let them know I will keep trying to understand them and what is important to them.  Continuously I am  striving to do better the next time and let them know that I care.    The most important thing is that no matter how many times I mess up or how many times they mess up we will never stop loving each other.