Grandma's Eyes are not Messy

      If we all saw ourselves the way that our grandparent's see us the world would be a much better place. I was blessed to have two sets of extremely loving and involved grandparents during my whole childhood.  My first grandpa to pass away happened when I was a sophomore in high school.  My last grandparent to leave this earth occurred when I was in my 30s and that grandma spoiled my little girls until her last day.  I have said before that having more people to love my girls is always a good thing.  That is especially true with grandparents.  Most grandparents have an amazing ability to see their grandchildren as the most perfect people on this planet.  I know that is how my grandparents saw me and I know that is how my girls are perceived by their grandparents.  

     When my brother got married I was 22 years old.  I was in the wedding party with my sister who was 20.  My sister and I are both average sized women and average height.  At the time we were both about size 14 and I'm 5 foot 6 inches and my sister 5 foot 8 inches.  All the rest of the bridesmaids were amazonian goddesses.  We were standing next to women who were over six foot tall and size two models wearing the same dresses as us.  Most people would have said "Who are the two girls at the end that look like oompa-lumpas compared to all the rest?"  My grandpa had the opposite reaction.  He was an 85 year old man in wheelchair at the time of the nuptials.  During the service he leaned over to my mother with complete seriousness and said "I feel so sorry for the rest of those girls up there.  My granddaughters are so beautiful it making the rest of them look really bad."  This is the way I need to look into the mirror every time I get ready for my day.  If I can see myself through my grandpa's eyes I will never see any of my flaws. 

       My mother is obsessed with her granddaughters. She thinks that they are the smartest, funniest, kindest, prettiest, girls in the whole world.  All of this adoration comes with a lot of good things but also a lot of crazy.  This grandparent inflation of perception causes a lot of anxiety about her granddaughters.  She has been convinced since the time they popped out of the womb that everyone was trying to steal these beautiful babies.  EVERYONE!  She has been convinced that if anyone of my children are out of my slight for a second someone will be waiting to snatch them away forever.  I try to explain about giving them little glimpses of independence.  However, the thought of any independence for my girls scares the crap out of my mother.  I love that she loves them so fiercely and even my nine year old sometimes has to say "Gramie it's ok.  I'm going to be ok."  Knowing that someone has so much love for them is very comforting for all of my girls.  They are very confident that Grey Grey is always on the lookout for their safety .  I sometimes feel like both of my Grandmas are still watching me with the same intensity from above. 

     My grandma used to live about three hours away from me.  My mom and I used to drive up to have lunch with her once a week when my babies were small and before she passed away.  I still fondly remember my grandma literally pushing my mom out of the way to hug me first.  That is what grandparents do.  They love their grandkids more than anyone else in the world.  I am fine becoming a second class citizen to my parents so my girls can move up the ranks.  I am fine with all the extra toys, candy, and love that is given to my ladies.  I am fine with the additional questions about their well being because I know it is coming from a place of love.  The blessing of having involved grandparents in your life is beyond measure.  It might be a little more frustrating for the parents sometimes but at the end of the day the joy that my girls get from the process is worth it.  The grandparent relationship might be one of the shortest but it one of the most impactful because of the size of their love.     

Magic is Messy

      We do Santa, elves, fairies, unicorns, leprechauns, easter bunny, and everything else that could be considered magical.  I encourage all of my girls to believe in Magic.  Just because you can't see something doesn't mean it isn’t real.  Sometimes I get push back from other parents on this topic.  I often hear things like "Why are you lying to your children?" or "You should encourage your kids to live in real world not in a fantasyland."  That is exactly why we encourage magical thinking in this house.  The real the world is really harsh, hard, and unforgiving and I want to keep my kids out of that for as long as I can.  I want to show them as much as magic for as long as I can.  I want them to know that it is ok to believe in things you can't see and have hope.

     My oldest is nine years old and in third grade.  Everyday she is told by one of her classmates that Santa is not real.  However, despite the bombardment of this information she is standing firm in what she believes.  Every time another friend tells her, she comes home and says "Those people are so crazy that they think Santa isn't real."  Instead of the outside pressures making her doubt her own beliefs she becomes more resolute in them.  I am hoping that this confidence is something that she can carry with her through her whole life.  There are so many outside forces that will want to squash her dreams and bring her into depressing realities.  That confidence in hope that she is building now is going to serve her well as she gets older and the world tries to knock her on her butt.

     My girls love pretending to be everything.  Doctors, police officers. dancers, singers, etc if you name it  my kids most likely have played it.  Usually their imagination is sparked after something we've seen or read in a book.  Lately we have been watching a lot of Christmas movies.  Tis the Season.  We watched a movie recently called "A Boy Called Christmas."  It is a retelling of the Santa Story.  Ever since the movie stopped my two year old has been playing Santa.  She takes a leftover stocking, fills it with toys, and gives everyone in the family a toy.  Since she is a toddler she has repeated this activity about a million times.  Every day she toddles over with her sack of goodies and cheerfully says "Ho, Ho, Ho."  I usually giggle, take my toy with a smile, and patiently wait until another visit from the tiniest Santa.  I could stop my girls and tell them these are unrealistic goals.  I could tell them that an astronaut cowgirl is not a real profession.  However, I chose to encourage their magical pretend play and participate in all their dreams with them. 

      My six year old has always had her head in the clouds and I hope she keeps it there.  She believes in everything magical and she makes our world magical as a result of it.  When she asks us if unicorns are real I always answer with "I don't know.  I've never seen one but that doesn't mean it isn't real."  This lovely lady's magical glasses make our whole house magical too.  She sees magic in every person that she encounters on a daily basis.  Sometimes we are just sitting on the couch and she exclaims "Daddy you are the strongest guy in the world." or "Mommy you are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen."  Occasionally these compliments come with strings attached and she is wanting something from us.  However, most often these outbursts are due to her magical outlook.  I hope her magical eyes never dim and that is able to see all the beauty this world has to offer.  Her beautiful hopeful perspective brings light and joy to everyone she meets and makes this world a better place

     I love that my house is filled with wonder.  I love that my girls don't have to see things to believe in them.  I love that our family encourages all kinds of imagination.  There are so many things that happen in this world that are unexplainable.  There are so many things in our lives that are serendipitous.  There are so many experiences that we have that seem supernatural.  Trying to find a logical explanation for everything would be a daunting tasks.  I like to believe in magic and I'm encouraging my girls to do the same.  Seeing the beauty and the magical things that happen to us on a daily basis makes my world a much better place.  Enjoy all the magical things that happen this Holiday Season and Merry Christmas. 

It's the Most Messy Time of the Year

      It's the most wonderful time of the....STOP HITTING YOUR SISTER OR I AM CALLING SANTA AND NOBODY IS GETTING PRESENTS!  In our house this is something that is happening everyday around this time of year.   I love Christmas time but sometimes the togetherness can be too much togetherness.  If my kids are together for too long there is always fighting.  During the holiday season I become part magic maker and part referee.  Between the shopping, wrapping, decorating, baking, and all the other Christmas tasks my kids are constantly fighting with each other.  I also have to add yelling, time outs, toys taking, grounding, and disciplining to my list of things to do during Christmas break.  

     I love having my girls home for three weeks during the winter break. When they are at school all day I don't always get to know what is going on.  Since I've been working this year I have missed out on a lot of night time dinner conversations.  I plan on using these whole three weeks to catch up on all their stories and school friends gossip.  Being involved in my girls lives is really important to me. I honestly do want to know everything that is happening in their lives.  To some people that may seem crazy but when my girls are away from me all I want to know is what they did all day.

     My girls have been playing so well together lately.  I am hoping and praying that this lovely closeness continues on through the next three weeks.  When you have more than one kid their play time is always like a ticking time bomb.  The whole situation can go from intense giggling and laughing to uncontrollable screaming and crying in a matter of seconds.  If I hear the sweetness of my girls chuckling upstairs over barbies or coloring I sometimes hold my breath and hope it lasts.  However, I'm fully prepared for the moment that it turns ugly.  Then I hear "Mom! She hit me."  or "Mom! She took my toy." and I grab my referee hat.  A lot of times I just yell back "Be Kind!" or "Be Nice to your Sister!"  Honestly they need to learn to work it out but as mom the fighting is hard to watch.

     Working it out is something that most adults don't even know how to do.  It is not something that is easily taught.  Siblings are wonderful on the job training for how to resolve disagreements.  Many times I pretend that I can't hear my girls when they are screaming because they need to learn to work it out.  Many times I leave the room when my girls are fake crying because they need to learn to work it out.  Many times I put on my headphones to drown out the fighting because they need to learn to work it out.  As a mom this goes against most of my natural impulses.  However, I know if my girls can learn to resolve disagreements with each other it will prepare them much better for arguments in the real world. 

     Togetherness causing fights is a fact of life.   People need to be with other people but sometimes those people get really irritating.  When it comes to family, especially if you have a big one, you have a lot more people that love you but also a lot more people to get on your nerves.  Siblings are the best ones that know what your buttons are and how to push them.  I tell my girls all the time "If you can learn to get along with your sisters then you can learn to get along with anyone."  Siblings might get on your nerves but they are also the first ones to be in your corner if anyone else is against you.  As a pack my girls are going to be a force to be reckoned with as long as they don't kill each other first.  Togetherness doesn't last for ever and what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.   

Kids Decorate Messy for Christmas

      My kids do all the Christmas decorating in our house.  Mom and dad are just their elves to help.  This tradition started last year.  During our very merry COVID Christmas I was zapped of all my energy.  I'm sure most you all felt the same way.  The emotional  toll of last year took a toll on me physical and I could not bring myself to do all that is required for Christmas decorating.  Bringing up the totes, unwrapping all the decorations, finding a place for everything, and all the rest of the things that go with making the house a winter a wonderland seemed completely overwhelming last year.  As a result of my exhaustion I crafted a plan to help.  My girls would be the ones to decorate for Christmas and I have to say this was one of the best ideas I've ever come up with.

     The tradition was such a success we decided to continue letting the girls decorate the whole house this year.  My husband brought up all the totes from the basement.  We opened up the Christmas boxes and the girls unwrapped everything and put it wherever they wanted it to go.  Things that were too high for them to reach were dictated to the two taller children, me and my husband, on where it should go.  My little independent women loved it.  They loved every moment of decorating their house for Christmas.  They loved every moment of hanging all the ornaments  on the tree.  They loved every moment of putting window clings onto every window in the house.  After seeing the joy in my girls faces the first time we let them decorate I knew I was going to let them do it every year after.

     We own a lot of super glue.  When kids are decorating your house for Christmas things are going to get broken.  Especially when those kids are nine, six, and two years old.  Broken Christmas decorations are part of the day and that is why we have super glue.  My mom has been getting me a nutcracker every year since my husband and I got engaged.  Those are really the only decorations that I put out.  However, even though I am more careful than the girls with decorations I still have a nutcracker that keeps losing an arm.  Everything can be fixed and even if it can't be fixed it is just a thing.  I do not own one thing in this house that is more important than my children’s happiness and that includes all my Christmas decorations.

     The happiness of my children brings me immense Christmas joy.  I honestly started this tradition out of what I thought was a huge failure as a mother.  Being completely worn down with no end on the horizon I was definitely in survival mode last year.  I could not have imagined how much I would love having my kids decorating for Christmas.  Watching my girls take out all the ornaments and play with them like they are toys is heart filling.  Watching my girls excitement when they see one of their faces on an ornament is a contagious passion,  Watching my girls marvel at all the beauty of the decorations is awe inspiring.  I love seeing Christmas through their eyes and letting them decorate just seems to start off the season right.

     My house does not look like an HGTV Christmas house.  My house will never be featured on a holiday magazine.  My house will never go viral on social media as "The Best Christmas Decor".  However, my house is decorated perfectly.  With this new freedom I can do Christmas stuff I love.  I can bake all the Christmas goodies, shop for all the Christmas presents, and sing all the Christmas songs as loud as I can.  My girls are constantly  playing with our decorations and moving things around on a daily basis.  Every time they find a new spot for something in the house their is a twinkle behind their eyes.  Someday I will decorate alone.  Someday things will stay in their places. Someday nothing will be broken.  Those are days I'm not looking forward too.  I will now let me girls decorate for as long as it is bringing them joy and I will cherish each moment of it.  Wishing you all a joy filled and stress free holiday season.

Messy Mom Me Time

     I used to think that "me time" when you had kids was selfish and stupid.  Now I know that I was actually the stupid one.  I used to put everyone and everything before me.  That is totally what a mom was supposed to do.  Right?  In my mind when you become a mom that means that your body is not your own anymore.  That means you mind is not your own anymore.  That means that your time is not your own anymore.  I am now working on reclaiming my mind, body, and time.  The problem with this new reclaiming is that I have to let some things go in order to get more for me.  There are not enough hours in the day for me to get everything done and still have time leftover to enjoy something.  The key to everything is that I have to make a conscious decision to be ok letting those things go.

     Having babies or breastfeeding  has been the story of my life for the last nine years.  That is almost a full decade of my body being used to keep tiny humans alive.  After I finished breastfeeding my 2 year old I finally decided that I was going to start working out again.  So this August I informed my husband that I was making an effort to get on the elliptical every day for 30 minutes a day.  To some people 30 mins may not seem like a lot of time to carve out in a day.  However, moms are abundantly aware that trying to step away from everything for 30 minutes is a monumental feat.  I have to make sure that my toddler is set up with snacks, tablets, tv shows, has a fresh diaper, and inform her that I am heading to the basement.  Even with all this preparation I still spend the majority of my workout time yelling "Come find me." or "What are you doing?".  Most importantly I have to be ok with all the things that she is destroying upstairs for a full 30 minutes.  All the dining room chairs are in the kitchen.  My whole pantry has been emptied out and ransacked by a tiny terrorist.  I am not ok with all these things because I am reclaiming my body for myself and I will fix the destruction later.

     Since the moment that I found out I was pregnant my thoughts have been consumed by my little ladies.  Don't misunderstand, my kids still occupy the majority of my thoughts but I am trying to be more deliberate in making more time for my own thoughts.  This blog is a huge part of that situation.  Analyzing my life with my girls and processing my thoughts through my writing has really helped me be a healthier person and a better mom.  Navigating through my preteen's mind field, deciphering my Kindergartner's daily activities, and surviving  my toddler's destruction take up the majority of my mind space.  However, every once in a while I get to think about me and work on my tired Momma brain.  Letting my brain rest for an hour while watching a cheesy movie or using my brain for something I want to do is becoming an important part of my day.  It is refocusing on me, not all the time, but I'm trying to make it more of a priority.

     For the last nine years my time has been consumed with things for others.  Laundry, dishes, cleaning, cooking and kids are just a few of the things that have been taking up every hour of most of my days.  I have now started making decisions to reclaim my time.  I still do all those things and everything still needs to get done but the time frame has changed.   My new cleaning schedule is not immediate.  Sometimes I make the decision that I am going to take a bath and let the laundry pile up.  Sometimes I make the decision to write some music and the dishes fill the sink for a day.  Sometimes I make the decision to hang out with my mom friends and order pizza for dinner.  I am ok with all these things getting a little behind so that this momma can get a little more time for me.  

     Being a mom is a juggling act and trying to carve out time for me means other things have to wait.  I have newly decided to make the things I want a priority.  Working out, writing, and vegging out are all things that I get to do for myself.  I refuse to take time away from my girls so something else has to be released.  Reclaiming all the things that I have loved forever is healthy for me and important for my girls to see.  I want my ladies to know I am thriving and not just surviving.  Sitting down at the piano instead of cleaning a bathroom is important for me.  Working out instead of folding laundry is important for me.  Writing my blog instead of washing dishes is important to me.  All these changes are making me a better and healthier mom for my girls.  Being the best mom for my girls and the best wife for my husband means being the best version of me.  Sometimes that means things are dirty but this mom is happy.  And in this house we are happy in our Mess.

My Messy Little Turkeys

     Gobble Gobble let's talk turkey.  I love turkey.  I love Thanksgiving.  I love any holiday that involves a massive amount of food and thankfulness.   I love cooking and eating turkey.  I have always felt that turkey was the original slow cooked meal before there were crock pots.  It takes some time to prepare the bird but once it is in the oven most of the work is done.  You can sit back and relax while the oven roasts the turkey to perfection with the occasional basting.  I like to think that I raise my kids the same way I roast a turkey.

     Preparing a turkey is a metaphor for raising children to me.  To get the turkey ready for the oven it takes a lot of work.  A turkey must be thawed for days before anything can be prepared.  A baby must be grown for months inside of a womb.  Whether you are waiting for your baby to grow or your turkey to thaw both require very little action except to wait.  When the day arrives and it is time for the turkey or baby to come out that is when the work starts.  Turkeys require a lot of preparation using a brine, seasoning the outside, or stuffing the inside.  The hardest part of cooking a turkey is getting it ready to actually cook.  Kids are the same way.  Babies and toddlers require a lot of preparation before becoming good human beings.  Keeping a baby alive with constant feedings, diaper changes, or forced naps is a lot of work.  Steering a toddler to become a good person is a full time job.  Time outs, rewards for good choices, and other disciplinary gymnastics are just a small part of the amount of work that goes into a toddler.  Before the turkey is oven ready all the prep must be completed.  Before the toddler is kindergarten ready all the prep must be completed.

     Once the turkey is in the oven the workload changes.  We have moved onto basting and general turkey maintenance while watching the turkey cook to perfection.  Once the kids are in elementary school the workload changes.  Daily mental check-ins are required to make sure that they are following all the rules set forth and baking into the perfect human versions of themselves.  If we forget to bast the turkey it will end up dry and tough.  If we forget to check in with our kids daily they end up sad and tough.  I want to make sure our girls know that we care a great deal about what happens to them everyday.  Keeping an eye on the turkey to make sure it doesn't overcook is super important.  Keeping an eye on our kids to make sure something is not overcooking them is also important.  I want to notice when something is upsetting my girls.  I want to notice when there is something important to my girls.  I want to notice when something is exciting to my girls.  The only way that I can notice all these things is to keep an eye on them while they are cooking.

     Finally the turkey is done cooking and ready for carving and eating.  Finally kids are done cooking and ready to go into the world to be carved and eaten.  In order to eat this delicious turkey you must cut into it so that it is no longer recognizable as a turkey.  By the time my girls are finished with school and ready to embark into the real world they will be totally different people.  They are still the same sweet little turkeys that I gave birth to all those years ago but they are now ready for whatever the world has to throw at them.  They are ready to be carved and eaten by this crazy world we live in and I can say with confidence our three girls are definitely going to going to cut back.  We are raising three strong independent women that are growing into amazing humans.  I can't wait to see how cool they are going to be as adults and all the things they are going to do.  I'm going to enjoy eating all the turkey while raising my own little turkeys.  I hope you all do the same.  Happy Thanksgiving.

Messy Metabolism

     My metabolism is not the same as it once was.  When I was younger I used to be able to stop eating cheese and I would lose ten pounds in one week.  In addition if I would stop eating condiments I would lose another five pounds.   However, after having three babies my metabolism has now stopped.  Currently I have to work out, eat right, and actually pay attention in order to maintain my weight or lose just a pound or two.  I don't know if this is from having kids or just getting older but either way things are no longer the same as they were.  To be honest not one thing in my life is the same as it used to be.  Learning to work with my new metabolism is just another adjustment of motherhood.  Luckily my children keep me on my toes so there is always extra exercise in my future.

     My 6 year old was diagnosed with an extremely high metabolism as a baby.  Most newborns are supposed to eat 2-3 ounces of formula every three hours.  My little redhead was getting 4 ounces of breastmilk and an extra 2 ounces of formula every hour starting at three weeks old.  The doctors did a whole bunch of tests and found out her metabolic rate was much higher than normal.  She was burning up everything that she ate at a much faster pace than most babies.  As a result she was always on the lowest side of the percentile charts and actually slipped off the charts when she was nine months old.  Our adventurous little lady started walking at eight months.  Therefore, with her new active lifestyle added to her high metabolism we never had a chance of her staying on the charts with her peers.  We also knew that she was perfect just the way she was. 

     By the time our middle kid was two were onto the Pediasure path.  Trying to get our extremely active toddler to drink Pediasure was a full time job.  We finally discovered that banana was the only one she would stomach without a fight.  Meanwhile she was eating like a 300lb man on a daily basis.  This tiny two year old that wasn't even 15lbs was able to eat a whole box of Kraft Mac and Cheese by herself.  Shrimp and steak were her two favorite things and we would feed her as much as our budget would allow.  Giving her extra bones to naw on during steak night was entertaining to watch.  Our tiny redhead would suck every ounce of meat off those steak bones like a hairy caveman.  Butter was another thing that she lived for.  She put butter on literally everything.  I am not saying a small smear of butter, she caked a giant glob of butter on everything.  We all sat astonished that this little lady was still in 18 month clothing at the age of three after eating all that food.

     My amazing girl is now 6 and her appetite has not slowed at all.  She will have a whole can of soup or a full ham sandwich when she gets home from school as a snack.  A whole rack of ribs or an entire steak can be consumed all by herself during a dinner.  The doctor is aware of our struggle for her to gain weight and we went to the doctor the other day for flu shots.  When my little redhead got on the scale she was 39.5 lbs.  We have been working to get her to 40lbs for over a year now.  The nurse said "Girl you need to eat more Halloween Candy and we will get you there."  It was really just the fact that she was so close to our next milestone.  I know the nurse didn't really want her to go home and eat a whole bunch of candy.  As long as she is growing, even though it is slow, it is at her own pace and that is all we care about.  

     My challenge to lose pounds is the same as my 6 year old's challenge to gain pounds.  No matter what your metabolism, the grass is not always greener.  We are all challenged by things in our lives and how we let those challenges affect us is what matters most.  I could get discouraged by the bigger challenge to lose weight.  However, I am constantly teaching all my girls to use their perseverance so I need to demonstrate by using mine too.  My 6 year old could get discouraged by the bigger challenge of her gaining weight.  However, we just keep packing extra sandwiches for school lunch and giving her broccoli cheese soup as a snack when she gets home from school.  Metabolism is a messy business but if I keep giving my 6 year old all my extra food I think it will all work out in the end. 

Messy Boxes

     Nobody likes to be put into boxes.  Nobody likes being labeled.  Nobody likes being stereotyped.  I am a very complicated person and I don't like being put into boxes.  I really don't think that anyone likes to be put into boxes.  We are all complex individuals and each one of us has a variety of different attributes. I am a stay at home mom but that doesn't mean my house is clean.  I am a woman but that doesn't mean I like high heels and sparkles.  I am a wife but that doesn't mean I can't have fun anymore.  People are more than surface deep and putting them into boxes does a disservice to everyone.  I refuse to fit any label that the world attempts to put on me and I encourage my girls to do the same.

     Recently we went clothes shopping with my nine year old daughter.  She loves playing video games.  That is her favorite activity.  By the end of the shopping trip she was visibly disappointed by the whole shopping process.  All of the items she was interested in were on the boys side.  Gamer shirts and all the other things that she was interested in were only available in the boy's section.  However, she refused to buy a "boy" shirt.  She was nervous that if she got a shirt out of the boy section there might be a boy at school that had the same shirt on one day.  The girls section was not working for her either.  Glitter, sparkles, unicorns, rainbows, and most things that are supposed to be girly are not appealing to her in any way.  I am growing to hate the fact that these things are still separated in our world.  Why is there a boys and girls section in clothes?  Why is there a boys and girls section in toys?  Why are we still dealing with all of these crazy boxes in the stores in the year 2021.  We are all aware by now that boys can like dolls and girls can like trucks.  Boys can wear a shirt with rainbows and girls can wear a shirt with a dinosaur.  These stores should just have a children's clothing section.  I have purchased men's clothes before but I am a 38 year old woman.  A nine year old preteen trying to learn to navigate socially has a lot more external pressures than I do.  My amazing girl already has more confidence than I ever did at her age.  However, when I see her stumble in her confidence because the world is trying to force her into a specific category it infuriates me.  I hate that the world has not caught up to the rest of us and how the box that they are putting my little girl in is now affecting her.

    We are all affected by the boxes that the world forces us into.  When people put me in the "Stay at home Mom" box they assume that my house will be clean.  They don't realize that there are a lot of things that go into my occupation.  My house is a mess because my life is a mess, in the best way, and I love it.  Life is very short and my life with my girls is even shorter.   If my toddler is crazy I will drop everything and go to the park or the library.  If my mom calls and wants to go to lunch I will drop everything and meet her in the afternoon.  If a friend is having a rough day I will drop everything and do whatever I can to help.  Being a SAHM doesn’t mean we actually stay home.  On the off chance that I am home I am always trying to catch up on laundry or other tasks that have gotten pushed to the wayside by more important things.  All those things of playing with my toddler, lunching with my mother, or hanging with a friend are way more important than a clean house.

     Some people fit into the boxes perfectly.  My six year old girl loves sparkles, unicorns, glitter, and all things that are "girl" approved.  However, for people like me and my nine year old we have to fight to stay out of the box.  Being forced into a category that you don't fit is frustrating.  Sometimes I feel the need to justify why my house is a mess.  Sometimes I feel the need to explain my experiences or reasons I don't fit their expectations.  Sometimes I feel the need to apologize for not fitting into someone's box.  I hate that.  I want my girls to feel free to live outside of all labels.  I want my girls to be their most REAL self unashamedly.  I want my girls to have the confidence to go against all norms.  Living out the boxes of the world is challenging but together we can navigate to our most authentic place.  Luckily for my nine year old she has a mom that will fight for her to live outside the boxes too.     

Messy is Fast

      November 5th is our tenth wedding anniversary.  It has been ten years of wedded bliss.  It has been ten years of growing our family exponentially.  It has been ten years of loving each other more ever day.  I always tell people it is staggering how fast your whole world and life can change.  One moment I was hanging out with my friends going to clubs with confidence that I was going to be single for a long time.  The next moment I am married with three kids and dog.  It really does happen that quickly.  Three months after the first time I saw this man's face I was engaged to be married to him for the rest of my life.  Now that I'm living my new life my old life seems like it was a million years ago.  However, it was really only ten years ago that I started my new life.

     On October 31, 2009 a girl dressed as Velma from Scooby Doo went to meet a boy dressed as a pirate at an Outback Steakhouse.  I met my husband online.  We talked online and on the phone for about a month before we decided to meet.  He had just moved into the area and was looking for a way to be more social.  I had just been laid off and was looking for a distraction.  Neither one of us were looking for love.  We had actually planned our first date for November 5th but when I was talking to him he didn't have any plans for Halloween.  The thought of him alone on Halloween made me feel bad since he was new to the area.   I invited him to go bar hopping with me and my friends at a local bar district.  The date wasn't anything special.  His main redeeming quality was his quick action during a bar fight.  Batman and a Purple Teletubby were fighting at one of the bars and Batman was thrown over a metal railing by the Teletubby.  My future husband threw me and three of my girlfriends behind him to protect us from the battle that was raging.  The nerdy Velma did not lose her glasses and could see the pirate's chivalry very clearly.  For those of you wondering, Batman lost the bar fight but apparently I won the pirate.

     Although the Halloween date was lackluster I had already committed to the date the next weekend.  Thinking to myself this would probably be the last time I would go out with this guy but I agreed to meet him at a local pub.  Little did I know that on November 5th my whole outlook on this man would totally change.  He pulled out all the stops.  I had once casually mentioned one time that I liked bison burgers. This wonderful man found one of the few places that served them.  He wanted me to show him the city so we walked and talked for hours.  It might not have been a scene from a romantic comedy but that is how my brain chooses to remember it and who am I to argue with that.  Three short months after the first time we met, we planned to go to dinner and movie.  By this time we were definitely inseparable.  We were in the car driving to dinner after the film and my boyfriend looked over and said "Would you marry me?"  Shocked at first I quickly answered "Yes!"  He then unromantically said "Wait but that doesn't count."  I said "No take backs."  My amazing love had a weird idea that his actual proposal needed to be better than that.  However, I know that the spontaneity of it made it the most perfect proposal.

     I have single friends that are always lamenting at how they will never be married or find someone.  I keep nicely reminding them how quickly things can change.  Twelve years ago I saw my husband's face for the first time ever.  Three month after that we were engaged.  A year and half after that we were married.  Then one short year later we had a baby on our first wedding anniversary.  Life changes in the blink of an eye.  Sometimes I still can't believe that I have three beautiful girls, an amazing Husky dog, and a wonderful husband.  Especially when I think about that only twelve short years ago I was hanging with my girls at the bars.  My life could not be more different than it used to be but it is also filled with more joy than I could ever imagine.  Happy Anniversary Babe!  Only 90 years left on your contract.  

Scary and Messy

     

     Halloween is always messy with kids.  From my first Halloween as a mother I knew things were going to get crazy.  My little girl was only 6 days old and we bought the only outfit left which was a 6 month zebra costume that was way too big for her.  We laid her on our ottoman to take a quick picture and then gave out candy to all the little trick or treaters.  I could hear my husband whispering tips to our newborn as the parade of children came to our door.  "That bucket that kid has is too small for maximum candy intake."  "That costume that kid is wearing has too much drag and will slow you down.  You want the most efficient costume for movement."  Society looks down on a 30 year old trick or treater unless he has a kid in tow. 

     Fortunately for my husband his little girl is equally as passionate about Halloween.  Not only does she love the candy but she has always been obsessed with all things scary.  It might be because her birthday is only 6 days away from Halloween but whatever the reason we could always tell she was different from other kids in this regard.  When she was in 2 year old preschool they were allowed to wear their costumes to class.  All the little girls in the class were princesses or black cats except my awesome lady.  Turning three earlier that week she was insistent on being a scary witch.  Her favorite movie was Hocus Pocus at the time and we actually had to make a rule that she couldn't start watching it until October 1st to protect my sanity.  She even practiced her witch cackle for weeks before Halloween to make sure it sounded scary.  Little did we know this was only the beginning of her love of all things scary.

     When she turned four she found the movie Chucky on youtube.  This was shortly before my husband and I figured out how all the parental blocking stuff worked.  She usually just watched her tablet right next to us so it wasn't an issue.  However, this time I was cooking dinner while she was being electronically entertained.  I went over to check on her and noticed she was watching the horror movie Chucky which had scared the crap out of me when I was little.  I immediately took it away and said "You can't watch that.  It is way too scary."  She looked at me unfazed and said "Mom.  That was not even scary.  It was just a stupid doll."  I thought for sure she would have nightmares that night but she was totally fine.  Tough as nails and loves a good scare.   A similar situation occurred with my own mother when I was younger.   I love scary stuff too and I was really into Alfred Hitchcock.  My mom said I had to be 14 years old to watch the birds because it was way too scary for kids.  Weeks before my 15th birthday and Halloween was approaching I asked my mom if I could finally watch The Birds.  She reluctantly said "Yes.  But if you have nightmares tonight I don't want to hear about it."  My siblings and I gathered around the TV with so much anticipation. We then proceeded to laugh and giggle throughout the entire film.  At the end of the movie when they are throwing actual birds at Tippi Hedren's character we were crying because we were laughing so hard.  I can still hear my mom yelling in the background "Hey!  This is really scary."  

      I love scary things and my husband loves free candy.  With this winning combination our whole family loves Halloween.  Candy, witches, scary movies, zombies, costumes, and everything in between make October an amazing month of fun for our family.  This time is filled with every Halloween thing that you can think of such as haunted houses, pumpkin carving, costume picking out, scary movie watching, and anything else you can think of.  This year we have a roblox character, a unicorn Pegasus, a baby shark, a mommy shark, and a dad who loves free candy venturing out for Halloween night.  If you see this strange cast of characters don't be scared unless you enjoy that sort of thing.  Happy Halloween. 

Messy Routines

 

     I love a good routine as much as the next mom.  Having a schedule just makes everything seem to run easier until it doesn't.  Ever since I have had children the sense of a routine has been constantly evolving.  Whenever we seem to get some kind of routine going there is always something that throws a wrench in one of the cogs.  Having three children means that a lot of wrenches are being thrown at any one time.  Sickness, parties, activities, school projects, and homework are just a few wrenches that my husband and I are constantly dodging on a daily basis.  I becoming sure that this will be our normal routine for our whole life.   

     At the end of the summer I remember uttering the words "I'm so looking forward to getting back into a routine once school starts."  I also remember my husband laughing in my face at this absurd statement.  This year more than any other we haven't been able to get any kind of rhythm for longer than a two week stretch.  When school started this year we had two kids going off to school instead of one.  We jumped into our new normal and two weeks later I started a new job.  I was now working three nights a week and my husband and my girls had to navigate without me.  We settled into yet another new rhythm of having a working mom and then two weeks later we had break with labor day.  After the break we got back to another familiar schedule and then two weeks later our kindergartener was diagnosed with COVID.  After our quarantine and 10 days of E Learning we started to get back in the swing.  However as soon as we blinked Fall Break was upon us two weeks later.  This is only a two month snapshot of my ever changing scheduled life with children.

     These waves of change have been happening since our first baby popped out.  I remember I kept saying "It'll be nice when we can get her on a schedule."  However, everything was in constant flux.  Every time we feel like we figured something out she would drop a nap or start eating solids or start crawling.  Nothing is constant with kids which is the only constant things about all kids.   When our second little lady showed up I knew things were going to be even more off balanced. My expectations were totally correct. From the time my second child was 6 months old we were in the Emergency Room every two weeks until she was five years old because of breathing issues.  I knew that every time I felt like I had things under control something would happen to throw it out of control.   Everything is ever evolving when kids are in our lives.  As a mom of three I have gotten very good at adapting but I am not good at finding a solid routine. 

     Routines are really just guidelines when you have children.  Schedules are really just suggestions when kids are involved.  Programming each day is impossible as long as my little ladies are in my life.  Often the changes to our routines are good things.  Sometimes a friend calls and you drop everything to go to lunch.  Sometimes your kids are crazy and stop everything to take them for a much needed park break.  Sometimes it is mentally healthy to stop everything and just have a "do nothing" day.  A halt in the schedule is sometimes a much needed blessing that we didn't know we needed.  Whatever the reason for the disruption of our schedules you can rest in the assurance that everything will constantly be changing.  Because life always likes to keep us on our toes.     

Sorry is Messy

     

     I'm sorry.  These are sometimes the hardest words to say.  Especially for my strong independent girls.  However, saying those few words can be very impactful and super important.  Being a Mom means leading by example.  Therefore the first person in this house to say "I'm Sorry." should always be me.  Sometimes I make a mistake and need to say "I'm sorry and I will try to do better next time."  Sometimes I bump into someone and need to say "I'm sorry are you ok?".  Sometimes I don't know the answer to a question and need to say "I'm sorry I don't know let me find out."  Telling people you are sorry is not a sign of weakness, it is a demonstration of strength.  Since I am raising three super strong girls I need to make sure they are strong enough to say sorry.

      I am a super mom that is still completely human.  Everyday I make thousands of mistakes.  Everyday millions of things that need to get done fall through the cracks of my crazy life.  Everyday I make an effort to apologize if something has gone awry.  In the morning I make breakfast for everyone.  I am usually able to get everyone fed even before my coffee is done being percolated.  To non mothers this probably doesn't sound like a lot of work.  However, I can assure you that toasting pop tarts, smearing bagels, and frying eggs while a toddler is hanging on your leg and a 6 year old is crying requires a lot of energy.  One morning I finished my breakfast tasks and sat on the couch to get some work done.  About an hour later my 6 year old told me she was hungry.  I said "Did you finish your pancakes?" and she said "I didn't get any pancakes."  I glanced over at the microwave and saw "END" flashing in place where the time is normally.  I had cooked her pancakes and never given them to her.  We both laughed and I said "I'm so sorry sweetheart let me get those for you now."  It was a silly mistake, nobody died, and it only took a second to show my girl that I was sorry I forgot to feed her.

     Having three girls comes with extra emotions.  Most of the time I have three people yelling at me about three different things at the same time.  I am extremely human and often snap back at all the emotions.  Mostly my 8 year old is outwardly affected by these snaps because she is starting to go through puberty.  After my overreaction I give her a hug and tell her I am sorry for yelling at her.  While still hugging her I explain that there is no excuse for my yelling.  Clarifying for my preteen the overwhelming things that were happening and the reason that I yelled are all part of my atonement.  I always promise to try and do better in the future and explain how she can help me by not yelling at me while her sisters are also yelling at me.  We are all navigating this life together and we have to work together as a family.  That also means acknowledging when you are wrong and apologizing for indiscretions.  If I dug in my heels and told my daughters that they were the reason I was yelling would not be constructive.

      When I say "I'm Sorry." to my girls for not knowing the answer I love it.  I am not literally apologizing for not knowing everything.  That would be ridiculous.  I am sorry that I can't give them the answers they are looking for.  This turn of events always makes me super excited.  Finding the opportunity to learn new things is always thrilling.  Teaching my brilliant girls to find the answers for themselves is even more rewarding.  Someday they will be telling me all the answers instead of the other way around. 

     I'm sorry are some of the strongest words that we can say as mothers.  I'm sorry are some of the most important words we can say as mothers.  I'm sorry are some of the wisest words that we can say as mothers.  The only way that I can teach my girls to apologize is if I am also willing to say "I'm Sorry."  Most of the time our littles are learning from our example.  Showing my girls that I make mistakes, owning those mistakes, apologizing for those mistakes, and always trying to do better next time is part of my daily life.  I will keep telling my girls I'm sorry for all my mistakes and keep learning from those mistakes.  Now if I could only get my girls to apologize to each other as easily.         

Messy Timing

      It's not your time yet.  This is the best advice that I have ever received from a mom friend of mine.  It's not your time yet.  It is the best advice because it doesn't mean the things I wish I could be doing are never going to happen. It means right now there are some things that I need to be patient about.  It means it is not my time yet!  Now I use this advice in a million different situations.  Those words echo through my ears while I'm raising kids.  Those words echo through my ears while I'm struggling to find alone time.  Those words echo through my ears while I'm trying to carve out time with my husband.  All these balls that I am constantly juggling in my brain get put into their right place with those few special words "It's not your time yet."

     The story of how these words came into my life is probably a familiar one to most moms.  I had just dropped by oldest off at her 3 year old preschool.  I decided to kill time by walking around Target with my newly turned one year old.  That day I was feeling particularly low because none of my clothes were fitting right.  My current body shape was the dreaded in-between size.  I had lost enough baby weight that my fat clothes didn't fit anymore but not enough that my old clothes were fitting yet.  Hopelessly searching the rakes and emerging from the dressing room totally defeated I saw one of my friends.  She was in total workout mode and looked amazing after coming straight from the gym.  I said "Oh my goodness you look so good!  I wish I could go to the gym."  This amazing women looked me right in the eye and said "I'm going to tell you the same thing that someone told me when I was in your stage...It's not your time yet."  Stunned and totally sleep deprived I said "What?"  She explained "My last little guy just started kindergarten this year.  Which means I finally have time to go to the gym.  You have two littles that are literally relying on you for everything.  It is not your time to go to the gym.  It is your time to soak up all the love from your littles."  

    Understand that these words hit me like a ton of bricks.  I almost started awkwardly sobbing right there in the middle of Target all while trying to stop my one year old from crying.  Hazily I checked out of the store finding no outfits that fit my new shape and headed to my car with my super fussy baby.  Driving back to preschool I could hear the words echoing in my brain.  It's not my time yet.  I could hear the thoughts forming.  It's not my time yet.  I could hear my extremely needy baby finally snoring in the back seat.  It's not my time yet.  By the time I reached the preschool I felt a a million times lighter.  She was totally right it wasn't my time yet.  Trying to squeeze one more thing into my already exhausting day with my two demanding toddlers was a ridiculous expectation.  Allowing for myself to be ok with that was a huge relief. 

     Since that fateful day in the woman's clothing section of Target, I have tried to refocus my thinking.  Every time a tiny voice creeps in my brain and says "You should be doing this."  I yell "IT'S NOT MY TIME YET!"  Every time I see someone that says "You should be doing this."  I yell "IT'S NOT MY TIME YET!"  Every time the world says "You should be doing this."  I yell "IT'S NOT MY TIME YET!"  It has definitely become my mommy mantra.  I love these words to calm all of my fears of FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out).  I love all these words because they cause me to be happy with what is currently happening.  These wonderful words help me find joy in my present situation  and allow me to live in the moment with all my beautiful girls.  Passing these words onto my girls will hopefully help them travel through life with more confidence that they are always in the right spot even if it doesn't feel that way.  Whenever you’re  feeling down make sure you tell your beautiful mom selves "It's not your time yet."  

Messy First Year

    

     Last week I posted my 52nd blog post.  Every week for the last year I have craved out time to write down something to make a blog post.  I never thought I would make it for a whole year and the support I have received has exceeded all my wildest expectations.   So many wonderful new people have entered my life through this experience and we have developed so many wonderful new connections.  During 2020 I was feeling extremely isolated from all of the usual mom groups.  I only had one mom that  I was able to have isolated play dates together.  I had lost all my resources as a mom of three crazy girls.  I decided to start blogging to help myself appreciate all the mess that my girls create in my life.  On this journey I discovered that I am not the only Messy Mom.

     Social Media is a crazy world.  Until I started my blog I resisted everything that came with social media.  The only thing I had was facebook which was solely used to show my aunts cute pictures of my girls because they live away from us.  Once I decided to start my blog I knew I was going to have to break into the big scary world of social media.  Quickly I found that there were so many people, especially parents, that were willing to help me.  Rather than feeling that it was a cut throat world, it turned out to be an amazing world of solidarity for moms and parents alike.  Mom groups on Instagram immediately started supporting me in all my endeavors.  They all started sharing my stuff and showing fellowship that we were all going through the same experiences.  The parent humor on Twitter is out of this world.  They have taken me in and given my platform so much more visibility.  Facebook has allowed for so many more eyes to come into contact with my mommy musings.  It has been a wild ride but I feel so much love and validation from the people that I know support me and who I have never even met in person.  

     Messy is part of my world.  After connecting with all these wonderful new people I have come to realize that Messiness is part of everyone's world.  I love that I am able to build a community where we all feel safe to be our authentic selves.  Every week I encourage people to show their mess with #RealMessyMom .  Every week I am proud of all the parents that are embracing their mess and loving it.  Every week I am blown away by the authenticity that these awesome people share.  Loving that life is messy was one of my main goals of this blog.  I can now see that I am not the only person with that goal and I support everyone who is working toward the same end.  It takes a village to survive raising children and I have discovered that sometimes that village can be virtual too.  

     Thank you to everyone that has ever read even one word that I have written.  Thank you to everyone that has ever shared or liked any of my posts.  Thank you to everyone that has followed on any of my platforms.  I sincerely cannot express how much I am blown away by all of you on a daily basis.  Seeing us all share this journey that we are on together is a beautiful thing.  I promise that I will keep showing you my REAL mess and I look forward to seeing all of yours too.  I promise that I will keep sharing my frustrations with my children and I will find solidarity in yours too.  I promise that I will keep trying everyday to be a better human and mom and I can't wait to see your wins too.  Thank you all for a wonderful first year and keeping reading for the second.  It is only going to get REAL Messier from here.

 

Messy COVID Postive

     

     Our family has had a wild ride recently.  We were told that my kindergartener had "close contact" with a student that had tested positive for COVID.  According to their records she had contact with the student on Tuesday before we were notified on Monday.  My little lady had not shown any symptoms and since it had almost been a full week since her last contact with the infected student I was confident she did not have COVID.  We got her tested a few hours after she left school because as soon as she got a negative test she was allowed to go back.  She had a field trip on Wednesday so we were hoping she wouldn't have to miss it after we got the negative test back.  On Wednesday morning I opened my email hoping to find the negative test so I could put my 6 year old on the bus to school for her field trip.  The results came back positive for COVID.  You could have knocked me over with a feather.

     My brain was not prepared for this information.  Our adorable curly redheaded girl had literally no symptoms.  The fact that she was positive for COVID was totally mind boggling.  Everyone that I knew who had COVID had a lot of symptoms.  We proceeded to do a crazy scramble like you would after you found out your child has COVID.  We called the school and told her that she had COVID, they were as shocked as were.  Especially her teacher who was also scrambling to get all her work together for two weeks.  We pulled her sister out of her third grade class whose teacher was also scrambling to get all of her assignments for two weeks.  We scrambled to get testing appointments for the rest of the family because none of us had any symptoms either.  I scrambled to reschedule voice lessons and my husband to set up his work from home station then we hunkered down quarantine.

      E learning with a kindergartner who has only been going to school full time for about month is horrible.  We had to log onto her class everyday at 9:30 am.  I would mute her microphone and then spend the next thirty minutes yelling at her to pay attention.  Occasionally she would unmute her microphone and I am positive her teacher would hear me reprimanding my rambunctious redhead.  At the end of our torturous half hour we would be informed of 3-5 papers that needed to be completed that day.  I would then spend the rest of the day telling her "Keep going.  You're doing great."  or. "You’re almost done.  Just a few more assignments."  Meanwhile my third grader was locked in a room on a computer with her teacher for most of day.  The only difficulty I had with my 8 year old was trying to keep my toddler aways from her so she could complete her work.

     I do not say this lightly but I am confident I have some leftover anxieties from the E Learning experience of 2020.  As soon as I picked up all the school work for my two girls I started to get sweaty.  As soon as I opened up the first google classroom I felt all my muscles tighten.  As soon as I heard crying because we couldn't find a red colored pencil I almost started crying too.  Today I put both children on the bus for the first time in 11 days.  As I watched my big girls climb the bus stairs I literally felt 100 pounds lighter.  A seventy pound third grader and a thirty pound kindergartner were finally gone for the day.  COVID is a crazy thing.  The rest us have been consistently negative and my little 6 year old never developed any symptoms.  These last two weeks have been challenging to say the least.  However, as I say all the time, as a family we can always get through anything.   

Perfection is Messy

     I expect perfection from my girls.  That sounds crazy I know.  This does not mean I expect perfect grades.  This does not mean I expect perfect behavior.  This does not mean I expect perfect athletic skills.  I am striving to be a perfect me and that is what I expect my girls to be.  Our perfection is not measured by worldly measurements.  I want my girls to strive to be the best versions of themselves and that is the only measurement that they need to base their excellence on.  Perfection does not have to equal pressure and in this house we are finding that balance.  We require improvement which is perfection to us.

     Third grade is a new adventure for us.  Our school system has finally switched from numbers to letter grades.  The number system was three numbers.  Three was considering mastering the skill, two was working on the skill, and one was need additional assistance on that skill.  My 8 year old has now switched to the normal letter system of A through F.  Not shockingly our smart girl is getting mostly As in the new system.  However, they introduced dictation test and her first attempt was a D+.  Luckily my husband did not tell her that was a "bad grade."   We explained that we needed to work harder.  For that first test her perfection was a D+ and we were ok with that.  She is still learning.  The letter grades just explain to us what we need to work on and what she is doing great already on.  She is a smart girl and we are never going to stress over grades.  Just like everything else in life grades are just a barometer to tell us what we need to work on.

     My kindergartner is a completely different story.  Perfection for her is not academically based.  As a result of her anxiety we are just happy that she is making it through the whole school day.  Every day my little 6 year old wakes up and says "I'm going to take today off."  And everyday I have to tell her that she is in kindergarten now and she no longer gets a day off.  I also sweetly inform her that I never get a day off either and let her know that she needs to wait until the weekend just like everyone else.  I strongly believe that kindergarten is the time when you are supposed to be learning how to go to school every day.  We are not concerned with her academic performance.  We are working on getting her to go to school everyday.  Perfection for her is waking up and getting ready for school without a fight.  

      My two year old is also an alternate adventure.  Her level of perfection is based on not destroying things.  She is learning how to be a good human and it is a difficult process for her.  Some people are concerned with their two year old knowing all their colors, or shapes, or alphabet but I just want my two year old to stop smearing her mac and cheese all over the couch.  My goal is that she stops crushing all the her chips into the cart.  We really just want her to not dump her fruit punch on the dog.  I want her to not color on the walls or put toothpaste all over her feet or take off her diaper and rub poop all over her stomach.  Making her a better person is a full time job.  Perfection for our rambunctious toddler is to not destroy things.  

     I expect my girls to be perfect, which mean perfect versions of themselves.  I need them to be kind and caring to everyone they meet.  I need them to love the skin that they are in.  I need them to always try and improve.  Being perfect should not measured by external standards.  The most perfect version of themselves is what I desire from my ladies .  That means different things to different girls.  However, we are always striving for perfection in this house.  It might not be perfect to the outside world but it is perfect to us.  I will not let anyone rest on their laurels.  We must all strive to be the perfect versions of ourselves but I will not judge any of our girls against others that are not them.  My husband used to be in the army and I want my girls to be "The best you can be."  Perfection is a constant pursuit for each of us as long as we don't base it on things we can never be it is always a good thing.